There you are, at your desk, Friday, 2.59pm. Flick to BBC iPlayer. No game. “No problem”, you think, “must be on ITV”. You head that way, only to find there’s no game on ITV either. The day has come. It’s the beginning of the end. Two weeks of solid football broken by a rest day, ready to do it all over again starting tomorrow.
What do you do while you wait for 3pm on Saturday? Get your life back together? Start to tackle all the work you should have been doing over the last two weeks? Or maybe it’s time for a little comic relief, a break from the bedlam of a fortnight of football. Ladies and gentlemen, we bring you a Professional Footballers On Twitter XI.
Note: Set-up in an attacking 3-4-3. Not because it was the only formation that worked with the players at our disposal, but more importantly, their natural flair and grace with words could only be matched with an expansive, flowing brand of football.
GK – Simon Mignolet
It seems that all that time on the Liverpool bench has given Simon a lot of time to download old age face warp apps and hone his online output. All for it. Your move Loris.
DEF – Sol Campbell
One of the self-proclaimed greatest minds in football he may be, but Big Sol’s comic delivery needs a touch of work.
Tweeted after England vs. Panama:
DEF – Robert Huth
Big serious Robert. Big, no nonsense, just get rid Robert. Anyone with the plums to send for Jonathan Walters over the internet is alright in our books.
DEF – Benjamin Mendy
Haven’t had a chance to see much of Benjamin since his move to Man City, but if his football’s as good as his online presence then better things are on the way. Now kiss his lucky egg.
MID – Victor Wanyama
The big man. Whatever you want to tweet, make sure you run it past Victor first ok? Just don’t talk about Paranormal Activity 3 when you do, he hasn’t been the same since.
MID – James Milner
After years of ridicule at the hands of @boringjamesmilner, Jamesy boy had read enough. The real Jimmy Milner graced our screens earlier this season. A star was born. Anyone for ribena?
MID – Toni Kroos
Any man who has a steadfast love for Robbie Williams is OK with us.
MID – Cristiano Ronaldo
It’s him. Cristiano Ronaldo. The big cheese. The echelon of global football. What could possibly go wrong? A personally endorsed competition and poorly worded announcement is what.
ST – Michy Batshuayi (C)
Heard a disappointing rumour that Michy apparently has his own media team. Ignore that noise, we prefer to think he sat in the changing room in Kaliningrad, rubbing his slowly swelling nose while banging out another 280 characters of goldust.
ST – Victor Anichebe
As bad at taking instructions as he is scoring goals.
ST – Peter Crouch
This man is better at Twitter than Jack Dorsey.
Enjoy the knock-out rounds everyone, see you soon.